Non-Violent Communication for Conflict Resolution

In a quiet, rural area in Costa Rica, we can find Centro Espiral Maná. It is in this beautiful, warm and welcoming place where I learnt the importance of non-violent communication (NVC) for conflict resolution. It is important to know that NVC can be used in different aspects of our lives, but in this article we will focus on classroom conflicts.

Non-violent communication is defined by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph. D. as “a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart” (2003). He states that this approach can be used in different aspects of our lives such as: intimate relationships, families, schools, organizations and many more.

Rosenberg claims that whenever we hear or face anything, we have four choices for answering. These choices come from the jackal and the giraffe: Our inner voices. The jackal is the voice that judges, evaluates and blames either one-self or others. On the contrary, the giraffe is the voice that observes and connects to the feelings. The giraffe listens and understands either one-self or others.

4 choices for answering:

	Jackal	Giraffe
Me	Judge/blame myself	Understand myself
Others	Judge/blame others	Understand others

We all have our jackals, and we will never kick them out. If we react to a situation with our jackal voice, we will blame, judge, hurt, undermine and make demands of others. On the contrary, the giraffe will listen and understand. We want to focus on our giraffe talk in order to connect and solve conflicts.

The model of NVC with our giraffe inner voice has four components:

1. Observation: The actual fact we can observe without making evaluations or judgments. This observation needs to be precise. If possible, include time, be neutral and concise.

2. Feelings: How do I feel about it? Avoid saying “you make me feel”.

3. Needs: What do I need at this moment? Are my needs being met or unmet? Needs fulfilled or not create our feelings.

4. Requests: What I ask myself or others to meet my / their needs. This is a request not a demand: Therefore, we may hear a “no” as an answer.

Now it is time for some examples.

Situation 1a: The student does not hand in his homework.

Teacher: “John, how can you be so lazy? You always do the same. You never do what you are supposed to. I want your homework right now or I’ll send you to the principal”. 

If my reaction is as shown, it is very likely that John will not respect me because I have shown no respect for him. How well can we connect to our students if those are our reactions? What result are we going to get from John with this speech? What we want to change is reactions. Instead of reactions, we want responses which come after a moment of pause from our heart. So, situation 1a was a reaction.

Let’s see a response.

Situation 1b: The student does not hand in his homework. Teacher: “John, is everything all right? I notice that this is the 3rd time this semester that you haven’t handed in your work”. John: “I know and I am sorry, but it is hard for me to get internet connection, so sometimes I cannot finish my homework”. Teacher: “How do you feel about it?” John: “I feel unhappy because I really want to learn and be responsible”. Teacher: “John, would you be willing to stay at the library after class, so that you can use the internet here and finish your work?” John: “I think that’s a great idea. Thank you, teacher”.

 

 It is important to notice that we are asking for a change and we are showing that we care, but we are focusing on the situation and trying to understand. You may think that the student can say “no” to our request and it is true. However, it is also true that we can modify our request multiple times in order to have the same result: Having the student hand in his homework.

Let’s use another example.

	Situation 2a: The student is 5 minutes late. Teacher: “Mary, you are late again. If this continues, I’ll ask you to stay outside”.

 

Let’s work with our giraffe.

Situation 2b: The student is 5 minutes late. Teacher: “Mary, this is the 5th time this month that you’ve been late for class. Can you tell me what’s happening?” Mary: “I am taking a medication and I need to go to the restroom before I enter the class. I do not want to interrupt the class.” Teacher: “Are you saying that you need physical ease?” Mary: “Yes and I feel troubled that I come in late sometimes.” Teacher: “I need order in my classroom, so I feel upset when the class is disrupted. Would you be willing to get to the class in time and silently leave when you need to go to the restroom?” Mary: “I think that wouldn’t be a problem. If that works better for you, I can do that.”

It is important to mention that this is a method for solving conflicts and communication in general. There will be times where teachers will not be able to use this method and we have to use our discernment. Therefore, if any student’s physical safety is at jeopardy, we cannot take the time to go over our four steps. We need to act in that moment and leave NVC for later.

After all my learning, I do think that NVC can be a solution to many conflicts inside the class. Many times I lack strategies and I do blame myself for things that happen inside my class which eventually are entirely out of my control. However, it is not blame what I need, but steps for solving problems, for understanding. I think the connection with my students that I can gain from this model is essential to creating a safe, respectful and friendly environment which will lead to better learning. Also, it would be wonderful if we could have workshops with our students and work with the NVC model based on their relationships with their peers and parents.

The question now is: Would you be willing to try it out?

References:

·         (2003) Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. (222 pages) Second Edition. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

Carolina Jiménez

English Teacher